Breathe

Had my first major meltdown today...a full blown panic attack.  I've never ever had one - and - it - sucked!  I couldn't breathe, my chest hurt, I could not stop crying, I knew something was going on, I knew i had to slow my breathing down but I could not do it.  I called my friend, she tried to help me...but i couldn't tell her what my triggers were.  I mean there was just so many little things that happened today that any little thing could have probably set me over the edge.  I did tell Daddy what happened,  I wans't going to but I knew i had to be forth coming with him.  It was understanding and thankful I knew what was happening and to call a friend for help.  What a crazy mess.  I don't want to have another panic attack...but dang it...I'm sure there will be more to come.  So I just need to be aware that things are going to happen and I need to breathe.

T-Minus 19 days.....

Today we are going to JAG (Judge Advocate General) to complete our wills.  I guess this really is happening.  At this point I am really just trying to ignore that fact that in less than 3 weeks my best friend in the entire world will be gone.  I've never had to be on my own - EVER.  I've never had to do anything on my own.  I've always had parents or a husband to do what I could not, would not, or just do it for me.  SO now I have to figure out how to do it on my own.  I guess I am most afraid of failing and letting him down.  I mean, I don't want to fail him.
I am also letting all the negative thoughts enter my head.  All the what-if's.  I can't even think clearly most of the time.  Like right now, I knew I had to get this out so here I am typing this post while sitting at work balling my eyes out.  The kids keep walking by, just looking at me wondering if I am okay.  I know that i need to be okay, no, I need to be great for the girls and for Daddy.  Nini, LouLou and JoJo deserve my complete and wholeness - they need me to be at 100%.  I have a mission just like Daddy, I can not fail at my mission. 

T-minus 21 days

Well, I don't have much to say.  I have not wanted to even look at the calendar or face the fact we have 21 days left with Daddy.  We've had a lot happen int the last few weeks, which has taken most of my time, thoughts and emotion.  I will share the details of what has happened soon...just can't bring myself to do it now.  
So here we are...the good thing is God spoke to me today during worship.  Basically, the song told me; I will not fail while Daddy is gone so long as I walk with my Lord and Savior.  He will carry me through the storm.  I will soar above the raging waters with him.  21 days...that's all...just 21 days.